Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
doing your own taxes
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic