So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)