“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please