Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer