My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You Might Also Like
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
What?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
How to draw a duck
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.