A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me trying to “trust the process”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash