Okey dokey.
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though