[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage