It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.