You Might Also Like
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.