Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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I used to be married, but I’m better now
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.