*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
courtroom exchange of the day
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.