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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Siri, fight Alexa.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”