why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You Might Also Like
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*