Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
You Might Also Like
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Cha-ching is my safe word
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Lmao
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Modded the new Gran Turismo
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”