[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want