Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
You Might Also Like
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.