I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”