POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here