Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.