Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.