Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.