One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it