Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Oh my god
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―