They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe