A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.