Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Bread puns are on the rise!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Put this video in the Louvre
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks