Merica.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something