America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.