me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
You Might Also Like
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.