*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again