[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.