If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never