My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
What?!?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.