I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
his wife is probably gonna see that
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl