This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.