When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?