I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue