Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Ha.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
ouch