You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
💻🤡
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow