If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Some people were born into their job.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.