When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.