Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
SF is the wild wild west man
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!