Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.