inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.