Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.