My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
You Might Also Like
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol