Where is that goddamn asteroid already
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
me as a parent
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.