My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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How to wake up a Beagle
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*