Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine